Dan Shea: The King of Randomness

I declare Dan Shea to be the King of Randomness. My notes are so crazy, I’m not sure if any of this is going to make any sense! Dan has a hard time staying on topic. He gets distracted, he talks very fast, he has a bit of a lisp, and he rambles. Of course, that’s part of what makes him so entertaining, but you can’t keep up with his train of thought! At least I couldn’t! I’ll give you everything I have, though, and you’ll see exactly what I mean!

Dan started out by showing us his cool new shoes and his new haircut. Dan pulled off a shoe and held it up to show it off. Someone near the front must have said “They’re big” because Dan turned to them and said, ‘What do you mean, ‘they’re big’? What’s your point? I’ve got big gloves too, so what are you getting at?” After asking how everyone is doing, Dan said, “I’ve got the new do. (Puts a hand on his head) What do you think of the new do? [Applause from the fans] “I’m doing this show called Mortacci [I can’t find it on IMDB yet, FYI]. I was supposed to work tonight. I play a zombie, and they shaved my head for the zombie. I’ll show you a picture – you can all see my camera inside my phone, right? (Pulls out what looked like a Blackberry, then rolls his eyes at our inability to see) But it’s kinda cool, and kind of freaky too, because you do the five hour special effects makeup. So you sit there (pretends to sit down) and they keep putting the stuff on you (uses his hands to show us where it goes on and how thick). Then they glue it to your lip, they put the glue on the inside of your lip. Then they do the upper part of your lip. And then they put on the eye lids, and it just keeps getting thicker and thicker until it seams like your inside some black tunnel. And you have the two little straws sticking out of your nose, and that’s kind of fun. After you put all this stuff on you get these contact lenses in your eyes and you’re totally blind. Which is fun because they’re these white lenses and when the light shines on them you can’t see a thing.

“So the gag for me is going to be in the back seat of a Hummer. Ah – I was going to say not getting one, but hey! – but the back seat of a Hummer, sitting there, and it’s at night. I’m Pa Buckner with a scythe –you know those scythes they used to have because we’re from like 1910, we got killed in 1910 – and we’ve been underground and we kind of come out of the ground (bends over and straightens back up) and somehow I wind up in the back of a Hummer. And they drive the Hummer into the water, and then we pick it up inside a wave pool where I’m in the back seat of the Hummer and all the sudden the water comes up. So the doors are closed, the windows are up, and the thing is slowly filling up with water, and I’m in the back seat of the hummer with my scythe. And I’ve got my upper and lower fangs in (sticks his fingers in his mouth to show us where they are and how they’re keeping his mouth open) so my teeth are kind of jammed up like this. I am assuming that we’re going to go under the water, and I guess they’re going to give me the regulator to breath, but of course the regulator can’t fit in my mouth because I’ve got the big teeth in there! We haven’t done it yet, so they said to me, ‘you’re ok with that?’ (Looks at us like, ‘what kind of stupid question is that?’) So I’m thinking, first of all I’m blind, so close your eyes now. Everyone close your eyes. [Sorry Dan, I cheated!] You can’t see a thing. You’re in the back seat of the car. Now here comes the water (uses a trembling hand to show us where the water level is – mind that we can’t see what he’s doing because he told us to close our eyes!) and you feel the water on you. Now all the sudden it’s up (he shows the water being up to his chin), ‘I guess I should start holding my breath now’. Course if you closed your eyes you can’t see that I’m holding my hand here. Which kind of defeats the whole purpose, but let me do it visually. The water’s at my chin now, so I hold my breath, and I’m assuming I’ve got the regulator, (grabs pretend regulator tube and makes a sucking sound as he breaths in and out heavily) and a little pony tube which has air for like seven minutes. And I’ve already totally sucked it dry. And then my the time they call ‘action’ I’m gonna have drowned. So, ah, it’s going to be fun. But then I’m assuming, that on ‘action’ I’ll take the reg, put it beneath the seat, and then I’ll start killing people! (Makes slashing motions with his arm, using the scythe. An of course I won’t be able to see anything, so I won’t know where to go, so I’ll be killing the dashboard, and killing the guy, and smacking people in the head. And then it’ll be, ‘I CAN’t BREATH ANYMORE! I’m out of breath!’ So then it’s like this (eyes closed, waves an arm around) trying to feel for my regulator underneath the seat. Of course I’ve got the big long fingers with the big long nails that you couldn’t even pick up a microphone with if you had it. And finally if I do get it, I won’t be able to jam it in my mouth because the thing is full of these huge fangs. And they said, ‘you’re ok with that?’ I said, ‘oh sure, not a problem’.”

Dan tried to take a question and got sidetracked by where the fan came from. He pulled off his shoe to use as a map of the region, and said, “Which way is it facing? [“That way!”] So you’re from the inner arch.” The young gentleman says, “I’m actually from the little black bit sticking out”, referring to the heal tab. We call laugh as Dan looks discouraged. “I hate it when the audience is funnier than I am. ‘Little black bit on the shoe’. I’m going to use that for the Cabaret tonight. I will have forgotten by then. Question!” ‘Two friends of mine brought you something, and then chickened out. They asked me to give you something. They’re wondering if you could show us a few-“ “Take my clothes off?” [Dan! Stay on topic!] The guy continues unfazed – good for him! – “Show us a few stunt moves using this prop”. “Is it ok for kids?” “Yes”. Dan is given a paper bag, and he pulls out one of those Velcro kid’s costume hoods. This one happens to be for a yellow rabbit suit! Dan barely hesitates before pulling it on his head, but it’s too small to fasten! “How’s the indignity going?” He wonders around, pulls it off, flops it around in his hand, and says, “That’s pretty much all you can do with that, right there.”

Dan then goes from how Velcro will dig into you on a costume to saying, “speaking of forearms, what do you think of these pipes?” He pulls up the sleeve on his short sleeve shirt and flexes his arm to show us the muscles. “Are they bigger than Dan Payne’s? [Fans go . . . um . . . no . . . ] Remember Dan Payne? Super Soldier? He got killed last night, they threw him off a dock. He in fact killed me like 40 decades ago in this thing. He’s the guy who’s responsible for slicing my head. So Dan and Dan are still together, it’s all good. (Dan notices a fan in the front who apparently looks sad) No, it’s not real! You’ve got this kind of a (looks down with his eyes closed, trying to imitate the look on the fan’s face). It’s just all fake.” The fan apparently says to him that he/she is mentally yelling at her camera, which is probably misbehaving. “Yelling at the camera in your mind. Ok. Just talk amongst yourselves there, you and all the people inside your mind. (Pulls out his phone, looks at something on it, perhaps the time) I wish you luck.”

You’ll come to appreciate how Dan told this story if I leave it all in one paragraph. I swear, none of it is made up. Dan said it all. I actually shortened this a little bit!

First, this poor guy comes up dressed all in denim, and Dan picks on him because his shirt and his pants are close in color and he should wear a darker top to anchor the outfit. Then when Dan finally cuts that out, the guy asks a simple question that has some problematic wording for Dan. Can you tell us about and vehicular stunt exploits you have done?“Exploits? What are you, a smart @$$? You’ve got one if those university expecations or what? What’s the square root of 49? (After a second, someone else in the seats says seven) Seven. See, you didn’t know that. We did a cool vehicular – what?! (Has to go back to hear the question again) There were three words in there. Oh, stunt! Too many blows to the head, no helmet.” We did a cool thing on Fantastic Four. Silver Surfer – if you’ve ever seen the beginning, I think in the teaser – Silver Surfer is going through a tunnel and he’s chasing Johnny Storm, the Torch. Or maybe it wasn’t the beginning. [A fan shouts, ‘It’s in the middle!’] It’s in the middle? Well, does anyone give a rat’s @$$? I’m trying to set up the feel! I’m getting there! (Puts on a mock pensive look, with a finger on his cheek) You know, I think it was at the 54 minute mark, actually. No! I know for sure it was in the tease because they have to introduce the main character early. What’s the point of introducing them later on? It doesn’t make any sense! It’s not half way through. (Dan stops, and seems to have completely lost where he was going with that) Ok, here we are! We just finished working on Stargate that day. You know we have ratchet polls and hand polls and stuff. You know when you get blasted with something you kind of fly back like this? How many of you people think that we actually jump ourselves and defy gravity in slow motion and go against the wall? Hands up! [A few brave souls stick up their hands] I’ve got some raffle tickets on my cell. I left the book at home, left my pen, just gimme the cash and I’ll fill it in later on. Trust me. It’s for a really really good cause! . . . So that day, I’d just done the a . . . [a name that I’m not sure I heard correctly, so I’m not going to put it because I don’t want to get Dan – or myself – into trouble!] was drinking that episode, it was the second to the last episode of the tenth season, and I was doubling some dude, I forget his name, he was in a room – I’m getting to it, where’s that dude? He’s off doing a Marlboro commercial. Cuz the other guy just dies from lung cancer so this guy can take his spot. Ah. Lung cancer, that’s a funny bit, but anyways! So here we are, so with ratchets the cool thing is this angle is good (shows us about a 45 degree angle with his arm) for ratchets because first of all you put on a harness underneath your wardrobe. And they bring in some teamster and he cranks it really really tight because you want no flexibility at all. You don’t want the wire to go, and the, the – what did I just say? – the vest! Jerk harness, jerk vest, to go and then rip out your ribs. Everything has to be pulling tight like this (strains his voice, pretending he’s got the harness on), so you can’t breathe, and then of course it’s time for lunch. And then when they get back from lunch you’re all here, and it’s all Velcro. Remember the Velcro bit from earlier? We’re pitching this all off. That’s the reason you brought the ears, so I could get in the Velcro reference. That’s the only reason for any of it. So then, so what you want is pit point (points to the middle of his back), up to the big point (points to the ceiling at a 45 degree angle), down to the ratchet. Now the ratchet can come and be square with where you sand and then BOOM! (Pretends to pull the ratchet lever) Slams you like that. Or it can be the 6’5”, 245 lb. really mean Asian guy jumping off a ladder. So this time we’ve got this guy, Daryl Quan, and he’s so great, he loves to leave a little bit of slack in the rope. Just so he can snap your @$$ and you get the old c6 coming back (puts a hand at the back of his neck and bends his neck back and down into his shoulders), and it’s the white flash (waves a hand over his eyes). Then you’re kind of going like this: ‘Are my finger’s moving?’ (Stays with his head pinned back, with an arm at his side, moving his fingers) On my left hand? So his thing is – (notices someone standing at the mic at the side of the stage) oh I’m sorry, you had a question? I’m getting to it! Get off my back! Man! Daggers! I feel these daggers (puts a hand on his back)! [The fan tries to leave, but Dan coaxes him back] I get too carried away. So on the day, we had the bed here (shows it in the middle of the stage), Will was the director, we had beds here, we put the cable point there (points to the ceiling at an angle) and then down to Daryl (on stage right), and it will be great. So of course we get there- (sees a fan waiting at the other mic) OK I’m going to get there! I’m getting to the question! Let me answer denim dude’s question! – So the bed wound up being here (indicates far stage left). So instead of being ratcheted from here (center stage) to there (stage right), I’m being ratcheted from here (stage left) to there (stage right). Now what you want to do ordinarily is do the whole re-rig, and take the [cable point], put it up there (closer to stage left) so the angle is nice and you get the nice arch and slam into the wall, it looks cool. Problem is I’m on the Fantastic Four, which is the vehicular stunt exploit, so I’ve got to the exploits. So I’m going, ‘No, this is gonna hurt”. It’s just like being slammed down BOOM! (shows us how using his arm first vertical then BOOM horizontal. It looked like it would hurt.) Cranium, skull, grey matter, all over the floor there. So I get an extra back pad, and I get a cup because even though I’m going to be getting hit on the back it’s going to hurt so much I’ve got the like huge gold ten commercial size cup on there, cuz I know everything’s gonna hurt. Don’t ask me why. It’s like JFK. He was shot from behind, but his head went booofff (slams his head backwards). (Sarcastically) Yeah, right. The fact that he want boom like this (slams head forward) and then he want boom (slams head backward) like that, doesn’t mean there was anyone there (points in front of him) it all come from back there (points behind). Right? So we swallowed that, that’s great. And the mafia keeps killing people, that’s great. No that I have anything against the mafia! We’re all decent god-fearing country-folk. So here I am. I want to do this once and once only. So I look at 6’5” 240 Daryl Quan, and I’m thinking (Grits his teeth, looks over that Daryl, grimaces) “How’re you doing [the word sounded like ‘pusskit’, whatever that is!] Is that all you’ve got? Yeah, I’ve heard of that big rope snap thing, Psh, rope snap my @$$.” And all of a sudden he’s like in rage, he’s like (goes into some sort of fighting stance and roars!) Instead of being on the second rung of the ladder, he says, ‘no, get me one of those real high one’, so he was up to here (points about as high up as he can reach), and he just jumps off that thing. It’s like slow motion. (Roars again and jumps off the ladder) All the way down, and snaps it, and I went back like a little cat on linoleum, just trying to keep my feet on the ground. BOOM! Into the wall, and my sorry @$$ went down and all I remember was my leg kinda twitching like that (shows us his right leg shaking). And I was thinking ‘I’ve got to get to the vehicular stunt exploit for the denim dude with the not top anchor’. So I’m signing out, their they’re saying, ‘are you sure you’re ok to go?’ and I’m like, (wobbling on shaky legs, leaning back and forth) ‘hey man, I’m the safety dude, so I’ll tell you what’s ok, alright? If I say it’s safe, it’s safe, ok?’ So I’m driving home and I’m banging the pedestrians and the pets, may God forgive me. I phone them from home so they see it’s my home number, ‘yes I’m safe and I’m home, (slams down the phone) Boom! Now I get in my car and drive really really fast back to where I started to the Cassiar tunnel [I have no idea how that’s spelled!] for the Fantastic Four for the vehicular exploit stunt gag. For denim dude. I’ve got 14 ice packs up and down my back. I’ve got 10,000 Coke Classics to keep awake. And I’m sitting in the car just kind of freezing like this (pretends to be in his car holding the wheel, shivering) ready to do the car gag, because they said, ‘if anyone falls asleep, you’re fired.’ It makes sense. There’s a hundred cars inside this tunnel, there’s Hummers, there’s race cars, I don’t want to get to specific on you. They’re cars. And there’s buses and everything else. And we’re sitting there, and they’re like ‘action!’ and I was like (makes a sound like a gunned engine) and I was going and all of a sudden you hear (makes sounds like cars breaking hard). One dude had fallen asleep and he’s sitting at the wheel like this (slumps on the wheel, dead to the world). And cars are sliding and stopping, trying to get around this guy, and so he had his @$$ so fired. So the rest of us knew we couldn’t fall asleep, so I worked all day, totally in pain, I’ve got my Classics, I’m just pumping ‘em and I’m ready to go, try not to fall asleep, and all of a sudden we all have to go to the bathroom. We all have to pee, so we get out of the cars, we run down the tunnel for one little [couldn’t catch the word, but I’m sure it’s synonymous with Port-O-Let], and there’s this 400 lb. teamster in there. He’s been there for like an hour and a half. And he’s been sitting in there like this (pretends to be sitting on a . . . well, you get the picture!) and it’s like you can’t even go in there, because, why? (Points at some poor shmuck in the front row) Why can’t you go in there? (The fan guesses correctly) Can’t breathe! Right! Does he have like a regulator with fangs? No, de doesn’t have that! I have that, because I’m going to be under the water, and I’m going to be so dead! Anyway . . . When you’re drowning to make people think you’re going to die you kind of just float around, but my memory of drowning is (holds his nose, panics to breath and gasps) ‘Can’t breathe!’ So anyway, . . . That’s before you die! Like I’ve got water in my mouth, it seems like I’m dying, and then there’s nothing. You’ve got like a whole minute and a half to go before you die. It fills up your lungs and it comes out your nose, and it’s just oh my God. There’s easier ways to die, but that’s too easy. Take each day one at a time. So here we are, teamster is done, and they’re like ‘(covers the mic so it sounds like he’s using a megaphone) Get back in the cars, get back in the cars! We’re ready to roll!’ So we’re running and cell phones are flying everywhere (apparently, his was slipping from his pocket so he tosses it and puts it back). We get back in the cars and coordinator dude – (sees someone, maybe the denim dude) I’m getting there! I’m getting to the vehicular thing! – and ah (a woman walks past on the way to her seat) Hey, how’re you doing? You sure? Everything’s good? Ah so, right, here we are. It’s like 2 in the morning, and of course no one got to go to the bathroom so everyone’s peeing all over the place. This is the Cassiar tunnel, the only entrance to get into Vancouver, with maybe 10,000 vehicles coming through there in an hour for rush hour, and we’re trying to get this thing done. So here we are ready to go. I’m driving along, and I’m trying to stay awake, and I roll down the window, (pretends to be sticking his head out the window) and I get a little bit of a breeze on my face. (Indicates with his hand that there’s something more than air hitting his face) ‘That feels pretty good, I like that. It’s not raining . . . How can it be raining in a tunnel?! (Ducks back into his car) No way! How is it raining inside the tunnel? How?’ Trying to stay awake, (puts his head back out the window) there’s a little bit of a mist. Fall asleep in the car, get fired, kids don’t go to university. I take the mist. So that’s kind of a car thing cuz it was in a car. It look like an hour to get there cuz I did the Daryl Quan thing. So I did the car thing. That was the car thing. I guess we got a little bit of mist on the face, but I could have just said that an hour ago, I suppose.” All hail the King of Randomness!

Dan has been coordinating some of the stunt work for USA’s Psych. Dan was asked, What’s the difference between doing stunts for a scifi show like Stargate versus a non-scifi oriented show like Psych. I remembered seeing at least part of an episode that Dan talks about here, and I’m ashamed with myself that I didn’t know Dan was involved! “Stargate tended to be bigger because we had six man ratchets going 1,000 feet in the air, and we had people getting blown up everywhere. Psych tended not to be big, but we did have some fairly big ones last year. We had a motorcycle gag where the stunt guy mounts the ramp and almost kills himself because we didn’t figure out what the hell we were doing. But we laugh about it now. But we did a fire gag. There’s a new fire retardant gel invented by a dude from Vancouver, and you actually put it on your skin, and you can actually light yourself on fire. Usually the way you do a fire gag is you put some dry [a word I didn’t recognize and couldn’t make out] underneath (indicates on his legs), and then you have some wet [same word] that’s been in your freezer all night with the fire retardant gel, and you put that on. And then you start shaking , and you put a dry layer on, maybe put a big huge racing suit on top of that, and then you put on your wardrobe. And then you’re freezing because you’ve got this freezing thing right against your skin. This new invention, you don’t have to do that. You put it right on your skin. One of the stars of stars of Psych is Dule Hill, and my boy Gasta [? He’s not listed on IMDB!] was doubling him, and we told him ahead of time, ‘we’re going to do this burn, where the guy runs and he’s on fire, he’s a firebug, and you have to run in with a huge blanket that’s fire retardant and wrap it around the guy and you put him out. But Dule, if you don’t mind, keep your selves long and maybe a jacket so we can protect our stunt guy.’ Of course I show up on the day, and I see Dule over in a corner doing arm curls like this (demonstrates for us), and he’s wearing a tank top. I’m saying, ‘Hey Dule, you know we’re going to do the burn today,’ he says, ‘Yeah, what do you think of my guns? (does some more arm curls)’ ‘The guns look good. Are we going to be covering up the guns for the scene? Because we’re doing a burn? We’re actually burning skin?’ He’s like, ‘oh sorry man. We’ve established the tank top because I’m doing my arm curls and I have these big pipes now. Is that ok?’ (Dan gives us an annoyed look as a response to Dule’s dumb question.) Well, they claim you can actually do it right on skin, but we’ve never actually done it before. So here we are, the burn guy has like 10,000 layers of stuff and a fire hat because he’s an actual fire man, so he’s protected. But now we’ve got our guy Gasta, and we’re all set to roll and he says, ‘well where’s my fire blanket at least?’ So they come in with this little (shows a circle with is fingers, about the size of quarter), it’s barely a washcloth. His arm is totally exposed, covered in gel that we don’t know is going to protect him at all, someone told me it was supposed to, but I’m not doing it, so whatever. Safe enough! And it’s like, (looking at the explosion that results in the man being on fire) whoa (apparently the explosion was a lot bigger than planned). And so, ‘Gas, get in there, Gas. You’re not going to get paid!’ ‘Ok here we go!’ So Gas jumped in and put him out, and a little bit of the gel rubbed off and he got a bit of a burn on his arm, but it looked incredibly cool. We got big time production value. But we almost, you know, killed the two stunt guys. So we get the effects guys, (makes a noise like an extinguisher and pretends to use one) we’re putting them all out, and all of a sudden we start to look over at the producers, and it was only supposed to be a little one [ meaning the explosion, I think] and now it’s a gigantic one. The producers are saying, (puzzled, with a hand on top of his head) ‘you mean we got that for free? We got that tremendous huge burn where we almost killed the guy 10,000 feet high for like for nothing? (smiles and applauds) Yeah, thank you Mr. Shea, we’re going to renew your contract for next year.’ Yeah . . . was the question about burns? I just talked for an hour about burns.”

Of your three jobs, which to you like best? “I sort of like all three. Because I do like the coordinating part because you get to do your budgeting, and it’s like a real job and you get to feel like a real person – (person who asked the question apparently started to walk away from the mic) where are you going? I am making you uncomfortable?” The woman went back to the mic and said you’re muffled from right here, but over there I can hear you better.” “Oh yeah, good excuse. I’ve heard that a lot. The last time I was invited to a party about ten years ago they said something about being muffled. (Dan turns around and the woman is gone, and he does a double take)Where’d she go? Faster than a speeding bullet!” After some uncalled for remarks regarding Superman that I won’t even dignify by repeating, Dan managed to get back on topic. “Oh, yeah, I like all three. There’s something about being on camera and getting beat up that’s kind of cool, because you’ve got the wardrobe on, and your timing has to be precise. There’s something cool about planning it, but there’s also something kind of cool about being an actor and hitting your mark – and when I say ‘kinda’ in my terms, that’s kinda what I do. ‘Dan, anywhere in that area, if you can hit it, that’d be fine.’”

The woman who asked the question returned and asked, “Ok, then which one pays the most?” “Well I’ve been volunteering for those guys for like 20 years. And I’m just glad they bring me back because I’m so good at what I do. And it’s not because they don’t pay me, it’s because I’m really good. It’s not like I’m doing this and I don’t have a clue, and I’m doing it for nothing. They all sort of pay kind of good. The on camera stuff is good because you get residual checks sometimes, somewhere down the road when you’re old and grey from when you got killed a million years ago in Outer Limits, they’ll throw you something. So they’re all sorta not bad. But yeah . . . what am I doing? Yeah so I like all three, but there were days I did all three at once. I’d be Big Boy’s double [Big Boy is Dan’s nickname for RDA] and I’d be shooting a P90 with my pinky out like this (shows us a crooked pinky finger stinking out, as if he was drinking tea). [RDA] used to bring me into his room – no, not for that reason – and he’d show me the dailies and he’d freeze frame it, and when I’m shooting the P90 I’m like all manly, I’m the big stunt guy, and then he’d zoom in on that one pinky and say, ‘I’ll cut that stinking thing off if you don’t stop with the pinkly!’ So doubling him and doing Sly Siler or whatever is kinda cool. I like all three. Does that answer your question or do you want more? You women always want more. Fine!” The poor woman said, ‘You sound like a politician but I do like your answer. “ “Thank you very much! Carry on! Let’s hear it for her!”

Both Dan Shea and Dan Payne have done some work on the popular show Supernatural. From what Dan said, it sounds like he once played a demon, but once again poor Dan was not given credit for it on IMDB. Dan was asked a question about the episode, but his answer bounces around so much I’m afraid I can’t figure out exactly what the question was! Dan starts out by talking about the eyes of the demon costume. “Dan Payne for this is wearing the black ones and he could actually see. He was whining that he can’t see much, but I’ve had both and I can’t see anything. For that demon thing, you can see fairly well. But the thing about the demon thing was it was a little bit fresh. I don’t know if you guys know, but I tend to wear shorts – (notices a fan writing in the first row) Am I keeping you up? (mutters something about groceries that I couldn’t make out) ‘Got to get some grapefruit, and get some bananas, and is Minute Maid as good as real orange juice? It’s orange. It’s cheaper. But who’s this idiot yammering on about?’ Did you get the stuff yet? Don’t go into the express line because you’ve got more than seven items! Don’t pull that c%@$ again, I know you do that all the time. Um. Sorry, carry on, just keep on doing what you’re doing! And the rest of us will deal with this. It’s not like they pay me 18 trillion dollars to come in here and do your grocery list. I don’t mean that! I respect that! It’s over, ancient! It’s all great! – Oh, eyes! So, oh, demons! Supernatural! 4:00 in the morning, wearing the shorts. Usually I’m hot, I’m a hot dude, right? I was not hot dude that day. It was snowing. But the thing was they sprinkle holy water on the demons – is that the deal in Supernatural? You get the water (indicates on his head) you die? (a fan confirms this for Dan). Did you ever see that? I though the worst way to die is, there’s two different ways of dying – I keep going back to death, I’m trying to get you guys, it’s hilarious – On Omen 1, the guy goes beneath the ice, and he’s hammering on the ice, and these guys are there with their hockey sticks trying to (mimes beating the ice, trying to break it) and then it’s ‘aww forget it, let’s just play some’. That to me would be an awful way to die. And the fact that I’m going to be doing a water gag pretty similar to that in about a week and a half, where I can’t even get the regulator into my mouth because I’ll have big dentures in there. They said, ‘oh yeah, Dan will do it, no problem.’ But anyways, that would be a bad way to die. The other way, there’s a WWII movie where Ray Finds or Ralph Finds played 10,000 characters, and he played a fencer. In one of them he switched hands and he won a gold medal with his left hand. He’s actually a righty. And then the Nazis came, and they didn’t give a rat’s @$$ if he was a lefty or a righty, and they threw his @$$ in a camp, and I remember they killed this guy – and this is going to hilarious – they hung him upside down, and one of the Nazis stood there hosing him down for three days until the guy died. And that’s what Supernatural felt like. I had no shirt, I was standing there at 4:00 in the morning, and they just touch you like this with the water, and the first layer freezes, and that’s good, right near your heart, because you know, if you’re heart goes, your heart is connected to your brain, and there’s a junction, there’s a little gap there, and if the gap is too wide, then the synoptic impulses don’t get across, then it’s your @$$, darlin’. So, anyways, – (points at a fan) hope you’re not laughing at me. I’m very disappointed. – So basically we stood there and froze out @$$#$ off for eight hours.” Dan dropped the mic to his side while we figured out that that was the end of the story. Not exactly the climax we thought he was building up to!

Dan is given the two minute warning, and then decides he has got to tell us an eye story. “”On Stargate a million years ago, I was coordinating, and we had these guys – I forget what they’re called – and they had these contacts in their eyes. And the producers were like, ‘if these guys are like blind and they have to come through the gate, should they be stunt people?’ And well, they’d never asked me about stunt people before, I mean we set people on fire, and we killed them, and we shot them with squibs, and they said, ‘shouldn’t they be on extra soldiers?’ So this was actually the first time where they were asking my my opinion, and I said, ‘yeah of course. Yeah, they’re blind, they can’t see, they’ve got the contacts, yeah, they should be stunt people.’ We hire four stunt people. One was Jason ‘Twitchy’ Colter. And we actually hired someone to take them by the hand and take them through the gate so they would memorize what the steps were. And it cost us a ton of dough. Each person has their own person, each is under stunt contract, and they’ve got their own room, it takes $10,000 to put the stuff on. Put the contacts in, they can see perfectly. One stunt guy is over here juggling, I guess rehearing for his next movie, for the circus bit. And another one is throwing darts and he hits the bulls eye ever single time. And the producers are kind of walking by going, ‘got radar or something?’ I told the guys, ‘pretend like you can’t see anything because they’re spending thousands of dollars because I told them you couldn’t see because of the contacts, so you should be stunt people.’ All they have to do is walk from here to there, and so naturally Twitchy has got to put on a big show. He’s walking and he’s banging into stuff (walks into the stage screen), falling over craft service (pretends to trip and fall over), spilling ketchup all over the place. And then they found out and they so fired my @$$.

Despite the fact that that all took about two and a half minute, Dan was allowed to take another question. It was something along the lines of, Can you tell us about any dangerous stunts you’ve done?“Little known fact. Some people claim that whenever you do a stunt, if you’re doing it with a coordinator it’s going to be the safest stunt of all cuz we’re total cowards. And some people will claim that pads were like that far up (shows us how high from the stage floor, but I couldn’t see past the heads in front of me) and they actually had to frame on the pads. In fact, I had so many pads, I actually had to fall on to the pads because I was such a coward. But all claims are totally false. [I believe he is referring to ‘Tin Man’ here, where RoboJack jumps down about 2 stories] I fell a long way, and I actually fell right on the grate, with my tremendous athletic skill, like a cat.” One of the MC’s comes out and says something, to which Dan responds, “Well it’s going to take me like an hour to say one sentence. I mean I stop and start 80 billion times. Oh, I did the foot thing (lifts and grabs his own foot). Maybe I’ll do that quickly. Richard Dean Anderson, on MacGyver, – (talking to himself as he pushes his own leg back down) put that down – went from MacGyver to do a movie in Toronto. And it was really cold, and he had his long hair and he had a beard, and the gag was that he would grab – (pretends to grab something and carry it) this is Big Boy, not that Big Boy (pointing to the sky), my Big Boy Richard Dean – and the deal was he’d grab the thing of money, and something wraps around his foot and it pulls you into these gigantic textile things, and then they’re supposed to cut. The problem was, the guy on the button had been drinking heavily. (Dan for some odd reason decides to put the rabbit hood back on) witnesses say he was wearing something similar to this. So it wrapped around my foot, and the gag was going to have a quick release. This time they said, ‘Dan, can we loose the quick release? Because we have a wide shot and if there’s a quick release you’ll just loose it and it will fall off’. So I said,(sarcastically, shrugging) ’oh yea sure, loose the quick release’. Which meant I was actually attached to the thing. So it pulled me closer (holds up a leg at a 90 degree angle and hops with his leg sticking out ahead of him every time he says ‘closer’) and closer and closer to the rollers, and the foot got so it started cutting. Rabbit dude did not press ‘Stop’. I think he pressed ‘Go’, and so the first toe went in there, and that’s why it’s always sort of bent this one way. I’m kidding, it’s goes that way too. So, crushed the foot. I didn’t have any work afterwards, so I got to use the crutch and I got that cop thing and made twice as much money for the next month. It’s a lovely, lovely thing.”

From there, Dan went right into rambling again, picking on the guy who asked the last question – who turned out to be the guy I got stuck on stage with for David Nykl’s revenge in the Cabaret! – until MC Adam grabbed a mic and interrupted, “Dan! Dan!” “Yessir.” “Say goodnight Dick.” “Goodnight Dick!”

Next up, everyone’s favorite male Wraith. Though he’s not really a Wraith anymore, is he? Heck, we don’t even know whose side he’s on half the time! Sometimes I want to agree with Ronan. Michael the Wraith should have been shot from the get go, but Conner Trinneer is a pretty cool human!